Former Fat Girl

Since I've lost my fat and kept it off, there's one question that keeps coming up from other people who've either had the same journey or are just beginning. "Do you ever feel like you're still fat?"

The simple answer is "yes". Once you've been there, it's difficult to get that way of thinking out of your head. I can't tell you how many times I look in the mirror and see the woman in the before picture rather than the one in the after. When I speak with others who have been through the same journey, they all tell me that they have those moments, as well.

Like many American women, my issues with weight began at a young age. I didn't have an eating disorder but in high school I had what is called now "disordered eating" (basically just teetering on the edge of an eating disorder). I became more comfortable with myself in college and started to gain weight and look healthy.

Then "real life" hit. I lived across the street from an ice cream parlor and above a bakery my first summer on my own. I ate more for convenience than for fuel. Business lunches made me feel more like an adult. That's when the pendulum swung to the opposite side from where it was in high school. I kept piling on the fat. I took it off only to pile it on again.

I looked at my family and thought I needed to just accept being fat. Most of the women in my family tended to gain weight as they approached their 30s and keep it on. However, I was unhappy, feeling pain and beginning to show risk factors for diabetes. That's when I decided I didn't need to accept anything and I got on the ball.

I started working out and eating right. The fat started to melt away and the clothes began to fall off my body but when I looked in the mirror, I still saw the fat girl. It wasn't until I saw the before and after pictures side by side that I began to accept this new me.

I still see that obese girl in the mirror. I struggle with having "fat" days. I'm sure I always will. Once you've gone through the physical and emotional pain of being obese it's difficult to forget about it. However, I use those feelings and memories to fuel my passion for remaining fit.

I never want to feel that pain again. I keep my old pictures on my refrigerator to remind me how far I've come. When I'm working out, I try to remember how some of the exercises I couldn't even do when I started (squat thrusts were a struggle and last week I just did 60 burpies). I set new goals for myself so that I don't get complacent and stop growing and pushing myself.

The best thing I ever did to keep me going and get me out of the "fat girl" slump is to become a personal fitness coach. Helping my client's achieve their fitness goals is extremely rewarding and helps spur me on. They are such a great motivating force. I learn just as much (if not more) from them as they do from me. They aren't alone in this journey and we can support each other.

So, when others ask me if I ever still feel fat, I'm not afraid to admit that I do. It's that feeling that keeps me fit now. Feeling that way has helped me to accept a healthy body image. I'm proud of where I came from and where I'm at now and I can't wait to help others experience the journey.